Fuck appropriateness.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
bring money and cleavage
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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