It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
A bitchslap is in order.
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
Randomize
