I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Yeah, she'd be cute...but she has faith. It's a problem down south.
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
just had to take a 4 hour nap to write a one page paper. its obviously the week after winter break.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
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