we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
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