When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
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