I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Randomize
