Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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