dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
so i definitely just saw 2 cops high five each other as they were arresting underage drinkers in 5 points.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
Randomize
