my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
You ate ashes out of my bong
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
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