Hey man sorry I got all grabby
THE most awkward situation I have EVER been in
Also, I just threw up a little in my mouth and had to act like everything was totally fine.
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
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