Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
Your cock deserves a montage
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
Randomize
