I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
Randomize
