I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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