Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
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