drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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