Don't cheat on me with the blonde bimbo religi freak
I wouldn't touch her with a ten foot pole
She's blonde
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
Randomize
