He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
Randomize
