youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
ps... at the end of one of the videos you yell "let's do the eiffel tower again.. i'll be in the middle!" .. i almost died lolol
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
Randomize
