Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
im on a boat
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