I think my fart just growled at me.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
Randomize