I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Randomize
