I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
Randomize
