my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
Randomize