my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
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