So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Randomize
