i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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