There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
Did we literally take a cab across the street
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize
