can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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