I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
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