I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Randomize
