i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
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