2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
We were so bored at work tonight that we were in dry storage taking turns pouring the boxed wine we use for cooking into each others' mouths. I think I'm starting to understand the "problem" aspect of "drinking problem."
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
Randomize
