just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
My ass is underappreciated
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
