I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
