i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
