it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
I think my nap took me to another dimension
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Randomize
