the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
Randomize
