Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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