If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
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