One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
