i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
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