I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
So drunk its hurt
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
Randomize
