I accidentally burped into my bong.
I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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