ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Randomize
