Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
So random question. Does beer act the same as other alcohol disinfectants?
You are the jesus of drinking
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
