she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
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