I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
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