Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
