My liver just broke up with me...
She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
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