He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
Randomize
