you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
