Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
My liver just had a heart attack.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
Randomize
