Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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