Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
THE most awkward situation I have EVER been in
Also, I just threw up a little in my mouth and had to act like everything was totally fine.
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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