i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
He looked way older than 15. He probably thought that since I have braces I was 15. Fuck. The 6 year age gap is never to be spoken about. Especially because what happened constitutes as illegal.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
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