You know im sick of people that are still obsessed w obama. that was sooooo last year
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Randomize
