What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
I just saw a hot homeless man
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
Yeah he's still asleep. I washed the blender out. He tried to make a ham-shake. Lets wait until after break to have that talk. I kind of want to see where this goes.
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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