I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
Randomize
