My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
there is no way he can be that small
look on the bright side he'll over comepensate
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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