Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
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