i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
Randomize
