First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
I'd risk everything I own for 10 min naked with her, 2 would be sex and the rest me crying like a little girl.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
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