he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
